Friday, November 04, 2005
i am quite tired
physically tired from all that intensive studying
"i will work hard, because I know that what i am going to do next time- every single action- is going to decide life and death"
i said that to the doctors who interviewed me
and I must live up to what i have said
more than that
because I want to be able to save a person's life
but i do become very tired from all that work
and I am sometimes tired of the life i lead in n**
maybe i m too impatient
that special warm feeling i felt in hc is still not there yet
i realise that i am actually quite anti-social
quite weird
i cant click with a lot of people
they are people whom i will say things like
"Hi! So how was your day? uh huh..yeah..same here..boring..trying to complete the tutorials.."
they are somehow not people whom i feel i can turn to when i am having some problems
but why do i still feel like I have no friends?
i mean..i have lindsay, entian, kristy, nianying, oiying, weiping
rather have a true friend that a bunch of just-friends friends
and day after day
i feel very inferior
i feel unappreciated..yes..because i really cant see what there is in me for people to appreciate
and day after day
i keep telling myself, "it's ok..this will be over in no time"
but i realise i have been deceiving myself
i am not at ease with myself
no matter how hard i try
i can't seem to accept myself for who i am
though ironically, i wont choose to be another person if given a choice
because i would not have met lindsay, my family and my good friends if i am not who i am now
ok
this is embarrassing
but i keep feeling that i don't have a basic look
i don't have normal girl's looks
i know looks are not everything
at least i believe in that
but i am not too sure about others
and sometimes i doubt myself
maybe because i dont even have the looks that's why i believe that looks are not everything
haha
sourgrape u can say
i am not vocal
neither am i sociable
ask me to go for a ball or function
i would rather not go
if given the choice
socialising is so tiring
especially when my looks are so bad
when i have to become so superficial
i am probably too down to earth for a girl
no class
no elegance
not refined at all
too naive
i want to be with friends and at places where i can laugh as and when i want
not in places when i have to watch everything i say
every action i make
and every laughter i make
the timing, how appropriate it is...
arghhhh
it tires me
so this is me
too down-to-earth
not what a girl should be
i do not practise what i preach
i tell people to have more confidence in themselves
and what am i doing?
wallowing in self pity
and what have i done?
drawn myself into yet another vicious cycle
but i tried!
i tried very hard!!
sometimes i feel brave
i feel empowered
but sometimes i feel weak
i feel like crying
i feel like giving up
is my so-called intermittent courage true courage?
maybe that was all a front
sorry for this depressing post...
[Jay Rawks`]
at 8:10 AM
